And if I perish, I perish

If ever there was a book I would recommend reading for the cold winter months ahead it would be, Perelandra, by CS Lewis. It happened to be his personal favorite amongst his voluminous works and it also happens to be one of my mine. The subject matter is weighty as Lewis – through his characters – deals with the issues of God’s sovereignty, free-will, predestination, justice, the problem of evil and temptation.

There is one scene in particular that captures a moment in time where we’ve all been. We’ve all had before us a very tough decision that had to be made and were well aware that there would be a cost involved to any or all of the following: our pride, our career, a friendship, our wallet, and/or our reputation. Yet, slowly we worked through it and determined to see the thing through no matter the price. And it’s this stolid determination to move forward that is no less honorable than the completion of the unpleasant task. Here is Lewis inside the mind of his protagonist, Ransom:

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The thing still seemed impossible. But gradually something happened to him. It had happened once while he was trying to make up his mind to do a very dangerous job in the last war. It had happened again while he was screwing up his resolution to go and see a certain man in London and make to him an excessively embarrassing confession which justice demanded. In both cases the thing had seemed a sheer impossibility: he had not thought but known that, being what he was, he was psychologically incapable of doing it; and then, without any apparent movement of the will, as objective and unemotional as the reading on a dial, there had arisen before him, with perfect certitude, the knowledge “about this time tomorrow you will have done the impossible.” 

This same thing happened now. His fear, his shame, his love, all his arguments, were not altered in the least. The thing was neither more nor less dreadful than it had been before. The only difference was that he knew – almost as a historical proposition – that it was going to be done. He might beg, weep, or rebel – might curse or adore – sing like a martyr or blaspheme like a devil. It made not the slightest difference. The thing was going to be done. There was going to arrive, in the course of time, a moment at which he would have done it. The future act stood there, fixed and unaltered as if he had already performed it. It was a mere irrelevant detail that it happened to occupy the position we call future instead of that which we call the past.

Yesterday we saw Esther asking Mordecai and all of her fellow Jews in Susa to join her in three days of fasting. Mordecai had asked Esther to risk her life by approaching the king in his inner chamber – an offense punishable by death. What we failed to mention was the reason for the fast. It wasn’t because she had any doubt about her decision, it was because her choice had already been made. What follows are some of the most stirring words of courage in the Bible, and this by a very young woman: Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai:  “Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my attendants will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.” ~Esther 4:15,16  If I perish I perish. The decision was now a fixed event in the future. The purpose of the fast was that she would have favor as she entered the forbidden chamber of the king.