One Finger To Bind Them

We left off yesterday discussing roundies or roundabouts. It seems a democratic enough invention when presented in its simplest form. I find the single lane ones quite manageable and aesthetically pleasing with their carrousel-like procession. But not all roundabouts are created equal. The simplicity gets corrupted and complicated. One day, some faceless bureaucrat comes along, snaps his finger and says: “Hey let’s add more concentric circles. It will look like one of those alien crop patterns from the sky. How cool will that be?” And then a guy from the stop-light department shows up and wants a piece of the action…

Stop-Light Guy: “LIGHTS…We need lights!”

Director of Roundabouts: “Where stop-light guy? It’s a roundabout.”

StopLight Guy: “LIGHTS…We need lights. LET THERE BE LIGHT!”

Director of Roundabouts: “Calm down… Okay – let’s throw in some lights.”

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As I made my approach to the roundabout, I noticed that I was in 3 lanes of hard-charging traffic. I was in lane 1, the left lane. I needed to be in lane 3, the far right lane. So naturally, as I mentioned yesterday, I turned on my windshield wiper to let everyone know I needed to move over…sigh. It got dicey. I turned off my windshield wiper vowing to never do that again. We came up to the roundabout, but it wasn’t quite round, or about. It seemed to have been drawn and quartered, torn apart. I could see some of it across the way and I could see our half. There were two half-rounds, offset from one another with some complication in the middle standing them apart. But I had more immediate concerns. Joining now with my 3 lanes, were 3 more hard-charging lanes coming ‘round the bend of our half-moon roundie. And joining them were 2 other lanes. Think of it as my 3 lanes at 6 o’clock trying to turn left, 2 lanes zooming in from 3 o’clock, and 3 lanes cascading down from 12 o’clock – all trying to squeeze into 3 lanes and attempting to shoot out at… what…7:30?

It gets worse. The 3 lanes that everyone is fighting for is controlled by a stoplight that lasts, when red, about 2 minutes. When it turns green, it lasts 15 seconds. I sit through a couple of lights – going nowhere. I’ve not moved an inch. I’m craning my head every which way. Panic is setting in. Driving in a foreign land makes me feel like a pre-pubescent, smooth-chinned lad attending his first junior high sock-hop. Everyone seems to know what they’re doing except for me. It is time for a bold dance move. First thing – I turn on my windshield wipers….ARGH! I then flick the real turn signal and begin my “slow dance, bumper nudge” move. The wipers are still going full bore – an overexcited bleacher wave of encouragement. I’ve no time to calm them down. I elbow my way out across the 3 lanes of traffic and the light turns red. I am now perpendicular to the 8 lanes that have merged into 3. I have managed to build a Trumpian wall in New Zealand with my hired car.

The New Zealanders appear to be well acquainted with the lingua franca of driving rage. Since I’m in the land of the Hobbits, allow me to draw a helpful analogy. The whole premise of the Lord of The Rings is this famous line: One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them – one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Replace the word ring with finger and you get the picture. I’ve driven all over Europe, the Caribbean, Mexico, South America, the British Isles and the United States. There is indeed one finger that rules them all and in the darkness binds them.

As we made our way out of the mess, I asked Jan, “So, how many languages do you suppose I’ve been flipped off in?” She didn’t have an answer, just a shake of the head and a slight smile. I told her I was pretty sure I’ve been saluted in all the romance languages. I’ve now added Kiwi and Maorian.

We are now quietly ensconced in the seaside area of Russell, New Zealand far away from traffic. Thus far, I have made two pilgrimages to the beach and there’s been nary a soul there either time – nothing but the steady kiss of the ancient sea flirting briefly with the land.